Belieber In Christ

Justin Bieber. You know him, and unless you’re a tweenaged girl or a closeted middle-aged man in a sketchy basement in the middle of North Dakota whom frequently googles ‘men who smell like children’, you’re probably not his biggest fan. It has just come to light that he considers himself to be a spiritual person. In fact, in a recent interview he stated that without God he would be a ‘stupid, terrible person’.

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“I feel like that’s why I have a relationship with Him, because I need it. I suck by myself. Like, when I’m by myself and I feel like I have nothing to lean on? Terrible. Terrible person.”

That’s interesting. So for the last three years, we’ve seen a Christ-loving Bieber? What a funky fresh take on life. Here, how about we go over some of the things he’s done in the past three years to get our Christ-like minds a-turning:

  • Thrown out of a Drake show at Coachella because he did not want to watch with everyone else.
  • Egged his neighbor’s house and then bailed on court mandated community service due to “ankle pain”.
  • Got into a fight with a group of guys at a sports park and stole a girl’s phone from her purse because she may or may not have taken pictures of the incident.
  • Crashed his ATV into a van.
  • Oh, and then assaulted the owner of the van.
  • Got into a fight with Orlando Bloom at a bar after insulting Bloom’s ex-wife.
  • Harassed a flight attendant with his friends to the point where she chose to hide in the cockpit for the duration than deal with his God-giving spirit.
  • Got banned from an indoor sky gym for showing up just before closing time, trashing the bathrooms, and not paying.
    (Alternative method of payment was to take a picture with store manager and upload it to Instagram. Which he also did not do.)
  • Visited Anne Frank’s house and wrote that she would have “been a belieber” in the guest book. Yes because if she were going to risk being found for listening to music, it most certainly would have been his life changing albums.
  • Cut the lines at Disneyland by riding around in a wheelchair.
  • Peed in a restaurant mop bucket while simultaneously yelling, “Fuck Bill Clinton!” What year is this again?
  • Had his bodyguards carry him across the Great Wall of China.
  • Spit on his fans.
  • This:

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  • He abandoned his pet monkey in Germany.
  • He met the Prime Minister of Canada wearing overalls and a snapback.
  • Drove a leopard print exotic sports car.

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Those things will never get old. I first want to thank Justin Bieber for the endless entertainment he has presented us with. Next I want to thank the dealer who sold him that car. If you could drive diabetes, it would be that car.

I’d also like to thank his English teachers and the brand Chanel for allowing us the chance to witness such an inspiring Insta-post. Lastly I’d like to thank overalls for reminding us why they never left the 90s.

He also stated in the same interview, “The whole thing with religion is you present yourself holy and bring your offerings so that God can bless you.”

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If that’s holy then I think we’re all screwed. Take cover immediately and also, God… you’re up.

 

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