Bill Gates, Everybody.

In a recent interview, Bill Gates shared that in the early days of Microsoft he would memorize his employee’s license plate numbers to keep track of when they come and go. Gates said, “You know, I knew everyone’s license plates so I could look out in the parking lot and see when did people come in, when were they leaving. Eventually I had to loosen up, as the company got to a reasonable size.”

Those poor people probably had no idea that some serious ninja shit was happening behind closed doors (or through blinds). Can you imagine? You’re running a little behind returning from lunch and you look up to see Bill’s red face suctioned to a window. All you see is a fog mark from his breath on the pane with the word “LATE” written in it.

There’s no pulling a “fast one” on Bill Gates. I would love to know if he were upfront about this method of memorization or not. He might as well have posted a sign that read: “If you think you can get away with clocking out five minutes early…guess again. If you think you can step out to take a phone call…no. If you think you can comfortably show up to work ten minutes late after being stuck in traffic on the way in…what are you doing with your life?”

During the same interview, Bill claimed that he was just as demanding as the next guy while also stating his intensity was “no more than Steve Jobs.” Steve Jobs was a lot of things (hardworking, creative, intelligent, etc.) but he was most certainly not remembered for his easy-going spirit. Is this relaxed, Gates?

Thankfully his company got too large to maintain this level of insanity. We appreciate you trying to keep it cool in your interview, Bill. But we know there was no easy “loosening up” that occurred. He was just good at hiding his collection of books on how to cope with change, his breathing techniques probably learned in therapy, and his liquor. We see you, Bill.

You silly bitch.

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