12 Alternative American Girl Dolls

To celebrate their 30 year anniversary, American Girl announced a new edition to their doll collection- Melody, a nine-year-old living in Detroit during the 1960s civil rights era. Melody is the third African American doll in this collection. Pretty impressive! And a great addition to the American Girls.


In lieu of this discovery, I took it upon myself to come up with some other potential American Girl dolls. I am very passionate about these and they are meant to be taken in the most serious of fashions. These truly embody what it means to be a woman and most importantly, a patriot:

Speech Impediment Tharah


Thes tho fery happy tho be your friend.


Rich Bitch Sierra


Basically just steals your car and crashes it. Don’t worry, though. It will be replaced the very next day with an even nicer version that her father bought for her.


Passive-Aggressive Paula


She barks orders when you least expect it and then laughs because she’s scared.


Millennial Melanie


Comes with a tablet and when you squeeze her hand she whines.


Used To Be A Slut, But Is Now A Photographer


Wait, what’s her name again?


Jehovah’s Witness Jane


Comes with a stack of pamphlets and continuously rings your doorbell. Motion detector inside of the doll goes off when you move her along with the message, “I don’t believe in that.”


Opioid Dependency Misty


CAUTION: She will rob you when you sleep.


Hipster Hannah


Comes with clothing made out of recycled material and a novel that looks like it was rained on, but it turns out she bought it that way on purpose.


Girlfriend Experience Kayla


Yells at you for no reason and tells you she hates your mom.


Elderly Eleanor


Tells you about everyone she knows that’s dying and wants you to explain how the buttons on the remote control work… again.


Overly-Confident Crystal


Thinks she’s gorgeous, but has an aggressively distracting lazy eye.


Silent Susan


Stays in the kitchen because dinner isn’t going to cook itself.


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