You try to do the right thing and keep your loved ones up to date on the newest technology because you’re a genuine snuggle Panda with a heart of gold. Then you remember that it has now become your entire life’s mission to fix every problem they encounter with their devices… until they die. However, I understand your frustration and that’s why I’m here to help with my step by step guidelines on how to survive such an oppressive circumstance.
1. Take a deep breath.
2. Pour yourself a shot.
3. Make sure the lighting in the room is efficient.
You know they have terrible eyesight and plus you are now able to watch your soul escape you as your body numbs and you become one with the spirits of your ancestors.
4. Make sure their battery power will sustain the duration of “the fix”.
Because no one needs to go through this shit again tomorrow.
5. Pour yourself another shot.
6. Calmly ask what the issue is while also attempting to smile.
The only one who can see through it is God and at this point this should no longer matter to you.
7. Proceed to ask follow-up questions.
Because their original explanation made no fucking sense.
8. Try your best to explain how to fix the problem.
In ways they will (hopefully) understand. For example “No, your friends cannot see you through the phone now because the screen brightness changed.” Or “No, ‘the texting’ isn’t broken”.
9. When that doesn’t work, pour yourself another shot.
10. Take the device and attempt
to show AND simultaneously explain that it isn’t broken, everything is going to be OK, and that they are very very stupid.
11. Say “You’re welcome.”
Then smile and hand them their device back quickly.
12. Walk away as quickly as possible.
To avoid any other soul sucking questions from being asked.
13. Pour yourself a celebratory shot.
YOU DID IT!
**It is also important to note that you should remain prepared to do all of this again next week because, “The emails don’t send. Maybe it’s because my volume is turned off.”